Are you still waiting for your dream life to start? Do you feel you have waited long enough for the things you want?  I don’t mean delayed gratification. I mean have you prioritised your time and resources so that you will do what is really important to you in this lifetime.

You may not realize you are playing the waiting game.  You’ve most probably said, I’ll settle into my new job and then I will start writing my novel. Or, I’ll just finish decorating the house, the project at work and then I can …….  (you can supply  what you want and are waiting for here).

Are you waiting to travel, to get a new job, find a new partner, write the book, or learn a language? The list of the things that you can wait for is endless. Some people wait to have children and leave it too late.

When a year passes and your dream doesn’t eventuate, do you say to yourself, it was a really busy year?  Then another year passes, and  you justify the fact your dream is no closer than it was, by saying it’s all about the right timing.  There is a reason that things don’t always arrive when you want them.  You persuade yourself, that with hard work, your dream is just around the corner.

You may think you waiting for the right time but you are really waiting for the right feeling. 

The one that tells you that’s it’s time, jump now. You are safe, you can do this.

The feeling you are waiting for is the guaranteed the ‘it’s right’ feeling.

I’m the first person to say listen to yourself and your intuition. However, when it comes to waiting for the right feeling, I feel that you are going to wait for a long time.

Your inner self doesn’t want to give you the right feeling; it wants you to be nice and safe, doing what you know, not taking any risks and staying inside your comfort zone.

In waiting you can put off all sorts of things you don’t want to face.

In waiting you don’t face rejection.

In waiting you don’t face up to whether you have the skills to do what you want.

In waiting you never find out whether you will really enjoy the day to day realities associated with your dreams.

In waiting you don’t mature, grow or develop yourself or anything else, you are in a holding pattern, waiting in limbo, for your life to start.

I don’t wait for the right feeling, to wash my clothes, cook my evening meal, pay my bills, repair my car, go to work or mop up water spilt on the floor. Neither do you. You get up and do what needs to be done.

And that’s it; you have to feel your need. That need is right in the centre of your dream; the need to be you.

I recently spoke to a successful author who has sold millions of books, she wrote 7 books before number 8 was accepted for publication. The novel that was published was written in the evenings after work. She said she needed to write. If you have a desire to make something happen, you will find a way.

You have to stop waiting and act on your need.

You have to do what needs to be done, in order to feel vital and alive.

Instead of waiting for the right feeling, start feeling your need. Then make a list of the steps you need to take to create your dream. At each step you will face the fear of failure, disappointment, rejection even loneliness.  You have to face up to the journey and how much work it takes, but it will be worth it.

Don’t wait to feel good about the next step.

Do what needs to be done.

The clock is ticking.

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The wisest words sometimes come when we least expect it.

I was at the beach with my god daughter.  We were having a competition to see who could throw shells the furthest on Point Chev beach.  Little Miss 9 won the first couple of throws and did a little victory dance.  I followed her with a couple of winning pitches.

Our next throw wasn’t clear.  My god daughter walked over to the shells and called out, ‘it’s even’.  This happened 3 times; we picked our special shells and threw them, but we couldn’t out throw each other.   My god daughter was puzzled, she walked across to the shells, she checked their positions carefully, and then with her big toe she drew a line in the sand between them.

She looked up to me and called out, ‘Let’s beat the line instead of each other’.

That’s line to live your life by isn’t it?

Follow my goddaughters advice; stop worrying about your competitors (they are all the people who in your mind who are doing better than you) and beat your own line and score your own goals.

By the way, neither of us beat the line as our shells fell short.

My god daughter said to me ‘I hate this line.’

Beat the line not each other.

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We all start our New Year full of the hope that this year will be better than the one before. For some, it’s the year we are going to finally achieve a longed-for goal. Does that feeling last? Not always, as it’s so easy to slip back into old habits without realizing it.

Are you still focused on the goals you resolved to achieve on New Year’s Day? Have you taken any steps towards your dreams or have they stayed put in your imagination?

When it comes to resolutions and goal setting I have a pretty relaxed approach. I set my satnav of life with a couple of destinations, then I let life unfold, trusting that what I have done before and what I choose now will take me step by step to where I roughly want to be.

Of course, when you play the game of life, obstacles get in the way. So below, I have listed some simple tips on how to move through your emotional minefields and keep your positive energy and hope alive.

Do what you really want to do

Make sure your internal navigation system is set to the right destination.  Think about the destination really carefully before you plug it into your personal satnav. You are going to put a lot of thought, time and effort into what you want to achieve so make sure the foundations of your goals are solid.  Ask the following questions; do your goals have meaning for you, affirm your interests and values, or are you doing something to try to prove yourself?

Your internal pilot system will start working the minute you set the satnav in motion, so make sure, it is going in the right direction for you.

Positive energy turns into negative energy.

If you don’t use the energy of hope and well-being that you start the year with and transform it into something real and tangible, it turns sour and bad (negative energy). So, use your energy in a positive fashion, otherwise it will create chaotic feelings such as anxiety, fear, and hopelessness within you.

Positive energy feeds itself (so does negative energy).  

This tip is simple, the more you do towards achieving your goal, the happier and motivated you will feel and vice versa; the less you do the less connected to your goal and the more you will feel that your life is going nowhere.

Don’t delay

Delay taking action on your goals and you will get lost on your journey.  You will get lost in self-doubt.  The more you procrastinate, the bigger self-doubt will grow. You will cycle through endless versions of the questions, ‘shall I do this, or shan’t I, ‘is this a good move right now’,’ is this the right thing for me’, or ‘shall I do something else’. To keep hope and positive energy alive, don’t over analyse everything you do (unless you are making big financial commitments, or are involving other people, that’s something else), act according to your internal pilot system.  You can always change course if something doesn’t work out.

If you were driving a car, you wouldn’t stop and question the satnav at every roundabout or road turn. You would trust you typed in the right address and the satnav was working off the GPS system.

It’s the same for your life, plug in the right address and your body’s internal guidance system will take you there if you allow it.

If you experience a lot of doubt and resistance about what you are doing, you may not have the skills to do what you want to do, in which case, seek help. Otherwise, I would question the goal you have set for yourself.

So, don’t delay your goals, focus and stay in action to keep your hope and energy vibrant.

The closer you get to confront an emotional block, the more powerless you feel.

If you have an emotional blockage in place, then your energy will drop away, and tiredness will take over the closer you get to your goal.  Your hope and positive energy will just go flat.  The reason you feel more powerless the closer you get to your goal is that your emotional roadblock is heavily policed precisely to prevent you from taking these particular actions you want to take.

You are protecting a wounded part of yourself.  Take the steps you need to take to look after your wounded parts.  Seek help and learn new emotional skills.   In this way, you will change how you look at yourself and what is possible for you to achieve.

When energy drops away, reset your mind by keeping your eye focused on the goal and the action you need to take. In this way, you can and will break through old patterns of behaviour.

Emotional Paralysis is often the result of two sets of values fighting against each other.

If you are frightened of taking the next step, or you are not aware of any fear but you just don’t do anything, you may be suffering from emotional paralysis.

Emotional paralysis means your feelings prevent you from taking any action at all you get stuck and do nothing. The lack of action protects you emotionally from confronting a decision you have never faced.

Your emotional paralysis is confronting because you don’t know which path to take: the life you ‘should’ live or the life you want to live?

Your imagination tells you that if you go down one path you are committed to a whole series of activities and will lose your freedom. If you go down the path that you want to explore, you have freedom but lose the safety of your comfort zone, or you won’t get the material things you want.

To move through your emotional paralysis, you have to question your goal. Does your chosen destination reflect your values or are they are about looking good, fitting in, or being accepted. A life you feel you ‘should’ live is usually based on an external value system, your parents, peers, community or society not your own.

If your preferred life involves the positive aspects from both paths, how can you make this happen? Make the commitment to living life on your own terms.  If you need help establishing your own ground rules in life, seek help so that you can claim your place at the finish line of your goal.

Listen to yourself

Use your feelings to guide you towards the right path for you. Your internal voice and the images that come to mind are like the voice on the satnav that tells you to go right or left.  Develop your ability to listen to that internal communication system and it will guide you clearly towards the best actions for you. The internal communication system will do whatever it can to make you pay attention. Even if it shows the image of the person who irritates you the most, it might just be the person who takes the actions that you need to take.

Exercise

We all need exercise, so stop fighting it. Instead, use exercise and the endorphin system to your advantage and activate your hormonal feel good system to support your goals. Work out which time of the day is best for you to exercise.  I tend to go to the gym in the morning because for me, exercise is like a shower, it makes me feel clean.  If you prefer to clean up at the end of the day, then what exercise can you do that isn’t time-consuming and doesn’t take away from your family time?  Use your imagination, play a game of football, or shoot hoops with your children in the yard, it will be far more fun than 20 burpees in a gym. Besides which, it might just take care of another goal which is less screen time for you and the family.

Know when to stop

I personally find that it’s very easy to keep embellishing a goal to order to make it look pretty.  We all love perfection, but perfectionism is an energy killer. It moves the goal post, it stops any action, because the action has to look and sound a certain way.  For some people, not all, perfectionism hides emotional blockages or emotional paralysis. For others it is a habit formed from experience, these people do life and death jobs or find that their work is based in detail that simply has to be right or otherwise face failure. For instance, an engineer that makes a machine that is a couple of millimeters off is in danger of making a machine that grinds to a halt.

Whatever your approach is to a goal, if perfectionism is a problem for you then set a new goal which is to learn when enough is enough and draw the line and stick to a deadline. Remind yourself that changing your habit of perfectionism will not let your standards down.

Remember if you land up at the wrong destination, you can always reset your personal satnav based on what you learned.

Keep these tips in mind as you follow through on your goals for the year, and you will find not only the success you seek but keeping your hope and positive energy alive will inspire others.

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Don’t worry, be happy

I was speaking to client a while back and they said, I’ve been feeling so good but why doesn’t it last? Their question got me thinking about the Holy Grail of the self-development world; the feeling of happiness.

So what does being happy mean for you? If you’re like me, you have a huge list of things you love doing and people you like being with. But for many people, feeling happy can be elusive and I’m always curious as to why at some point people become unhappy. Over the New Year we all wish each other Happy New Year, but do we ever think about how our happiness really lies in our own hands?

 

 

If you took responsibility for being happy, would you be happier than you are right now? Are you good at making yourself happy and lifting yourself up when you are down? Or, do you believe you need someone to do something, or wait for events to go a certain way in order to make you feel happy? If your happiness is external it almost guarantees unhappiness. By putting your happiness in the hands of others, your life is like a seesaw, where the highs won’t last because another person or situation will do something that is out of your control.

If happiness is all too fleeting or you struggle with unhappiness – the following steps will help you to get off the merry-go-round.

Step 1: Stop placing your source of happiness out there somewhere over the Rainbow.

You will be searching for a long time because the end of the rainbow moves whenever you get close to it e.g. when I leave home and go to university I will be happy; when I get my degree I will be happy; when I buy my first home I will be happy; when I get married I will be happy.  If you allow it, happiness comes from the journey as well as the destination.

Step 2: Perspective can turn negative into positive.

Many eons ago, in my second year at university, I sat a chemistry paper.  I really needed to pass that paper to continue with my passion – biochemistry. But, organic chemistry lectures at 8am were way too much for me and I would often drift off to sleep. By the end of the year, I knew the final result wasn’t going to be good. In those days you had to visit the university boards to see your results. So when the day came, I checked my results and remember heading home feeling really embarrassed. I had passed but only just. When I got home, my (now ex) husband had a French bottle of champagne at the ready. I told him the result. He still opened the bottle. ‘What are we celebrating?’ I asked.  His answer, ’You passed; you’ll never have to sit that paper again!’ I hadn’t thought of it like that. His attitude completely changed my perspective on what was important.

Step 3: Stop making your happiness dependent on someone else always being their best self. 

It has been said that ‘expectation is the root of all heartache.’ To ask someone else to look after your happiness is the equivalent of gambling. Your expectation is not their responsibility and they won’t be able to live up to it. No-one is capable of being their best self all of the time. Treasure the happy moments, and accept the person is human and fallible, just like you are.

For those of you who support addicts, recovering addicts, or those with health or mental health challenges this step is particularly true. To place your emotional care and well-being in the hands of someone who is in emotional/physical turmoil, will mean your happiness flows from their path not yours. Focus on your own game in life to bring stability to your own life.

Step 4: Check whether your unhappiness is the express signal for change or action you need to make. 

When the same things trigger you, it’s the sign that you need to take control of your happiness.  Acknowledge your unhappiness and make some changes.  However small the first steps are, you will feel a lot better when you have taken some action.

Step 5: Set the rules you live by, and then reset your boundaries

If someone were to say to you ‘you’re not important to me’, it’s reasonable to assume that you would react. It’s unlikely that anyone would actually say that to your face, but every day people behave in ways that imply that statement. For instance, the neighbours park over your drive way; or you are spoken to with a questionable tone of voice by a partner or a colleague; or someone in the office has taken credit for your work; or going shopping only to be ignored by the shop assistant.

The mistake people make is that they derive a meaning about themselves when others do things differently or misbehave. When you worry about what other people said, did or didn’t do, and see it as a reflection on you, you’ve missed the point. Their behaviour shows that their standards are different to yours.  They live by another set of values and rules. Think about these challenges to your values in a constructive way. Use your trials as way of identifying what is important to you. When someone disrespects your boundaries then revisit how you set them. Maybe you set them too gently; do you need to be more direct? Or if you don’t know how to set your boundaries then reach out and ask for help.

In this way you can establish a code of conduct and let people know how you wish to be treated. The foundation of happiness is established by setting healthy boundaries for your life.

Step 6: Belonging and connection – the source of happiness.

Feeling that you belong is one of the well-springs of happiness. If you feel abandoned, alone, unsupported, lonely or burdened, then it’s time to open up and invite people into your life. If you need to find a new set of friends or build confidence, seek healing, coaching or counselling before you launch into the task of forming new relationships. Receiving guidance from others is not only a great way to break the pattern of loneliness but also helps you form a healthy connection with yourself; the basis of successful relationships.

Step 7: Reflect on your life

Are you taking the steps to create the life you want? If you don’t take the steps towards the life you aspire to you will never be happy.

Step 8: Don’t worry, be happy

Isn’t it great having a song to remind us to be happy? Download the song onto your phone and listen to it whenever you feel your energy is getting low.

If all else fails, use the words of the song as an affirmation.  Remind yourself to be happy because happiness lies in your hands.

Lucille Henry PhD.

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Decision Time

Do you ever think about the number of decisions you make in a day?

Your decisions start from deciding what time you get up in the morning and finish with the last one of the day which is when you go to sleep.  In between you will make decisions about what to wear; what to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner (whether you choose to eat, do the 5:2 diet, choose between a roll or a salad etc.,);  your mode of transport to work; decisions for your children, how you perform your job and in between all of the little/big choices of the normal day are the decisions that will alter your life path, create a new path, and may be the cause of regret.

These bigger decisions involve risk of some description. Decisions such as applying for a new job, buying a house, what shares to invest in, are made with your key values, rules and boundaries (whether you are aware of them or not).  Most of these decisions are made with the potential for loss factored in.

The decisions you make define what you experience and the path your life takes.   It’s good to review the basics in making a decision.

What factors influence your decisions?

• The fear of upsetting others
• Doing the right thing (even though this is hard to define)
• Taking care of other people’s needs first
• You feel that other people know more than you do
• You are afraid of making a mistake
• Your past – you made a mistake in the past and now want to avoid loss
• Your caregivers past – your parents experienced loss and safety is your primary value.
• Looking good and letting others think you are more in control than you feel
• You are uncomfortable with too many choices
• You fear missing out if you choose one thing above another

If any of the influencing factors above applied to you – then you are learning, through the process of decision making, to define who you are and what you want.

A few helpful tips on making a decision.

• Bad decisions are made from a lack of knowledge. Make sure that you know who you are; what you expectations are; about the other person or organization or contract that you are signing up to.
• People reveal themselves pretty early on in the piece; what you see at the start is usually what you get later on when things are not right (of course there exceptions to this rule) – so be observant.
• If you are a person who struggles with decision making. Become comfortable with making small decisions before you start to make the bigger decisions
• Don’t avoid making decisions –inaction is a decision
• Don’t ask others to make your decisions for you as you are asking another person to define the life you live. The other person will make the decision based on their own values, rules and boundaries, not yours. If you don’t like the outcome, you will make them responsible for the outcome, but ultimately you invited them to make this decision for you.
• Use your feelings to guide you to the decision that feels comfortable. Taking risk can involve feeling uncomfortable. Remind yourself of all the good decisions you have made in the past.  These decisions had a feeling associated with the moment when your system said go- ahead– use your past memories to check whether the new area has the same ‘feel’ to it.
• Develop trust in yourself. Making decisions is an exercise in trust. Not trust in the world around you, but trust in yourself.  If you don’t trust yourself, explore why you don’t.  Understand the reasons you made the decisions in the past. Then treat learning to trust like training for a race like the marathon.  Go for small runs every day by making conscious decisions on a daily basis – look at the decisions that feel positive and why.  With practice you can develop a ‘trust muscle’ based in your feelings.  This ‘trust muscle’ will guide you in the future.

Trust yourself and you will be comfortable with the outcomes you have chosen. In awareness decisions reflect your values, your rules and your boundaries. They validate YOU.

Lucille Henry PhD

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Listening to the Voice of Your Intuition

 

It’s a silly question but do you have any regrets?  We all regret events and their outcomes at some point. What do you regret, is it something you did or was it a case of misplaced trust, where you trusted someone or something when you knew better?

What did you say in your regret? I wished I had listened to myself; The signs were there all along; I saw the red flags, but thought it would be ok; give them a chance, I’m being judgmental; impatient, have to learn tolerance and so on.  At the foundation of regret is usually the feeling I wished I had listened to myself.

Regret like other feelings presents an opportunity to grow.

First off – forgive yourself.  You didn’t know how to listen to yourself and interpret how your body communicates with you.  At some point in the past you were taught how to override your inner voice and your feelings.  Don’t worry your regret holds all the information you need on how to listen to your intuitive self.

How do you learn to tap into your intuition?

The voice of intuition

• For some people the voice of intuition is voice a bit like mind chatter it comes across as a voice – usually one that is gentle and quiet. For others the voice of intuition is based in their physical body, the person feels with their gut (instinct) or their heart. Other people see outcomes in the form of mental images and pictures.
• Has a direct message that says ‘ I don’t want to do….’, I don’t feel safe with this person or I don’t like this person, I feel uncomfortable in this situation… I don’t feel respected; I don’t feel listened to, I don’t feel acknowledged and so on.
• It has a feeling attached to the message. A red flag feeling is usually one of discomfort.  You will feel a lack of motivation, or start to rationalize why you stay in your situation.
• Your feelings of discomfort will intensify if you don’t listen to the message. You will experience a lack of motivation and start justifying why you are staying in the same place, going ahead with your plans and so on.
• Overall intuition is based in feelings- why you trust or don’t trust.

How does your body (or voice of intuition) communicate with you?

If you don’t know, focus on a past regret… how was the information conveyed to you?

What did you feel about your situation?

Why did you override your feelings?

Ultimately listening to your intuition is about listening to what you feel. Increasing your awareness of what you feel and clarifying why will allow you to take the actions that you inner self is guiding you towards.  Trust yourself and you will stop feeling regret.

Lucille Henry PhD.

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Red Flags: How to trust your instinct

 

Everyone has their own red flags. I think of Red Flags as feelings sent by your intuitive self to listen and become aware. Red flags are a form of guidance showing you the mismatch between a situation and your expectations; or where a person’s words and actions don’t match; and a deadline isn’t met or payment isn’t fulfilled. Usually the red flag occurred earlier in the piece but you were not listening.

Below are questions that will help you to clarify what you feel and help you build trust in what you feel so that you can identify and listen to your Red Flags and act on them appropriately.

1. When you meet someone for the first time, what do they talk about? Do they acknowledge you or themselves?
2. Is the other person aware of your response to what they say?

Are they aware of your feelings?

3. Does what you hear make sense to you?
4. Can the person do what they teach?
5. Do they need you too much –you feel an underlying pressure?
6. Is the situation or person open and transparent? After speaking to them what do you know about them?
7. Is the person or situation trustworthy? Gauge how you feel to understand how to trust.
8. What does the person present from their past, are they the victims or do they present both sides of a story? Do they take responsibility for what they did?
9. Who does the person blame?
10. Does the person complain a lot?
11. Money has its own information – what story do the books, or finances tell you?
12. If you feel someone just wants your money? Why do you feel that way?

The questions are designed to help you understand and become aware of the sub text of someone else’s story.  If you don’t understand the subtext you are likely to engage in the other person’s story and it will eventually become your story.

Trust your Red Flags and act on them even if they don’t make sense.  You will find a new sense of trust in yourself and your world.

Lucille Henry PhD.

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Killing Time: How to make time to achieve what you want

 

Last month I went to a lecture by Sarah (not her real name) who is married with two children, works full-time as a consultant Paediatrician at our local children’s hospital, is doing a PhD and has just written two novels, both of which were accepted for publication by a major publishing house. The question on everyone’s lips was not about her lecture on writing but, ‘How does she do it?

Sarah’s example set me thinking about time. How do you find the time in order to do all the things you want to do? If you have or create a career that has flexible hours that’s one solution, but what if you are like Sarah who loves her career, and has fairly fixed hours- what do you do about time?

I find clients are constantly juggling between their career and home life. Between creating and growing business; managing school runs, drop-offs and pick-ups… they often they sacrifice their own dreams just in order to survive. A child becoming sick can often be the last straw in a long chain of events. They become stressed and life becomes overwhelming. Anxiety sets in as deadlines loom. Time is a factor in stress as people often feel they don’t have enough of it.

I’m as a guilty as the next person at saying yes to everything that I want to do and then finding I have a credit crunch in time department.  In the past I would get up earlier and go to bed later to get everything done.

It’s not a sustainable method.

What difference it would make if you could expand the time you have?

Here are few tips I have found helpful to expand time do the things I wanted to do:

 

1. Be present.

Stop thinking about the next job and focus on the thing you are doing. True concentration gets the job done. Time often becomes meaningless if you are totally focused on what you are doing.

 

2. Make an action plan.

Get the jumble of thoughts out of your head and down on paper.  Write down your problems perceived or otherwise then write down all the possible solutions to your problems. Writing down all of your worries will diminish your stress.  Reducing the amount of time you spend on worrying will claw back some of your time.

 

3. Act as if it is impossible to fail.

Dorothea Brande said in her wonderful book ‘Wake Up and Live’, that approaching life with this mindset had changed her life and allowed her to increase her productivity.   This book is oldie but a goodie, and well worth tracking down and reading. Ms Brande writes about the Will to Fail as a significant factor in our approach to creating what we want.

 

 

4. Remind yourself that ‘Done is good enough’.

Perfectionists often don’t create and share their gifts because they spend too much time worrying about imperfection. That’s a big time waster. Their focus on detail means they are unable to see the overall picture and when the job is done.

 

5. Anxiety, stress and overwhelm consumes time.

Explore where your mental and emotional time is consumed.  Do you struggle to make choices, decisions, or the commitment itself?

 

6. Question more and prioritize.

People often spend more time worrying about what they have to do instead of doing what they want. Decide what is true for you only then will you fully connect and commit to the job ahead. This is like treating your time like your money. Ask yourself whether you would you really spend your money this way.

 

 

7. Learn to say ‘No.’

Learning to say ‘No’ is a powerful way of managing your time. It’s often hard to say no the person who feels another meeting would be helpful, or the friend who pops over for a cuppa who wants to discuss their problems.  It’s a life lesson to learn how to say  ‘No’ in order to say ‘Yes’ to what is important to you.

 

8. Experience freedom from time by using meditation.

Meditation enables the brain to move from the analytical time based thinking to a relaxed state that is time free.

Experience true freedom by not holding back from the experiences you want.

Make a list of all of the things you want to do and slot a time in for them.  NOW.

When people feel anxious, stressed or overwhelmed, time can often be one of key factors that play a part in their stress.

Lucille Henry PhD.

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The Law of Attraction: Creating an Abundant Life

Are you into the Law of Attraction?

The law simply states that you attract everything coming into your life and it’s attracted to you by what you think, your mental images- in fact whatever is going on in your mind. (From ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne). Essentially you attract experiences at the level that you operate at.

Are you attracting any of the following and if so why?

Workplace bullies

If you are attracting a workplace bully, what thoughts are attracting that person into your life? What does that person make you feel? What insecurities does that person highlight for you? Have you attracted that person to help you deal with you past, find the ability to speak up for yourself or to leave an unsatisfactory job?

Workplace inefficiency

Are you totally frustrated by workplace chaos? Does it reflect your feeling of being overwhelmed? Or do opposites attract, and you are ready to create calm for those around you.

Workplace Envy

Have you missed out on a job or promotion and wondered why the other person got the job and not you? What are your thoughts and feelings when you compare yourself to others? Or are you the high achiever who suffers imposter syndrome? You might be attracting people who always question everything you suggest – because you question yourself.

Workplace Responsibilities

Resentment and frustration about how much you do, how much time you spend at work, how much other people do, are usually good indicators that you need to establish balance. Pay attention to those thoughts and feelings that let you know you have crossed your own boundaries and have taken on too much responsibility at work.

Lack of Clients

Have you got a great service or product that no one is buying? You have attracted an empty space. Why have you attracted this empty place where sales should be. What do you want the space for and what does the space protect? Is the space protecting you in some form? Look at the thoughts or feelings about your lack of sales to understand what you are attracting and why.

Creating an Abundant Life

The Law of Attraction is usually associated with creating an abundant life. If you want abundance you have to become aware of the level you operate in life. To attract abundance you have to learn skills. I might want to run the marathon, but to run it comfortably I have to learn how to run for five hours. It’s the same with abundance learn the skills associated with what you want. Those skills are based in the physical, emotional and mental areas of life.

For a minute, reflect and take stock of the world you have created. Now think about what you want to create and how you can change the relationship you have with that area of life. Note the physical, mental and emotional work you need to do in order to bring that dream to life. Now structure your world around these new boundaries in your life. Then look up to see what you made or attracted to you.

The Law of Attraction isn’t passive. Use the Law of Attraction to create awareness and then let it work for you.

Lucille Henry PhD.

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Mind the Gap: 8 tips for better communication

If you’ve ever travelled on British trains you will be very familiar with the words “Mind the Gap”.  In some stations, the gap between the train and the platform is quite wide and you have to step carefully so that your foot doesn’t slip into the gap. When trains pull into the station, the doors swish open and a deep commanding voice reminds you to MIND THE GAP as you step onto the platform.

On my recent trip to England, those words had a particular resonance. For me they were perfect symbol of the gap in our ability to communicate. How confident are you that your speech is precise and clear and that you are heard and understood? Are you confident about expressing yourself at work, and if not, how do you communicate your needs. How would you rate your listening skills?

The reality is that there is always a gap between two people communicating.  The speaker is expressing from his or her own reality and the listener is using the framework of their own experiences to understand what is being said to them. Even two people sharing the same values, beliefs and backgrounds will have their own unique way of listening and interpreting what is said to them.

The following tips may help you to improve communication and bridge the gap.

1. Don’t assume.

Experiments have shown that our brains have a wonderful ability to fill in the gaps of any information it believes is missing. You may think you know what they are going to say next, but you may not be right. Listen until the other person has finished speaking. If you assume what the person is saying, you are not fully listening.

2. Listen openly

Most people listen with an ear out for their own name.  They also listen defensively waiting to protect themselves from accusation or blame. Stop listening for where you fit into the conversation.  Try listening from the position that the other person is talking about their own world, their own concerns and their own values.  Listening in this way is a gift, as people feel heard and understood.

3. Emotional vs Intellectual

Work out the type of conversation that you are engaged in.

Some people speak from emotion and some from their intellect. Like oil and water, emotional and intellectual conversations struggle to mix. To MIND THE GAP you have to speak into the type of conversation you are in. If you are involved in an intellectual conversation, speak facts, figures and solutions. Simple rule of thumb is that if someone uses the words ‘ I feel,’ ‘It felt’ or words that describe emotions they usually want an empathetic listener, rather than a solution. To bridge this gap you have to use emotional words in reply for the other person to feel heard and acknowledged. If you want to move the conversation back to an intellectual level, acknowledge the feelings the other person experienced by saying something directly about the emotional experience saying something along the lines of

‘I can see you were deeply affected by this experience,’ then arrange another time to have the intellectual conversation.

4. Be imaginative in your listening

Words are interpreted in different ways, the same word can have different meanings and people use metaphors and sarcasm to convey their wants and needs. So even if you have heard the same complaint a hundred times, it pays to listen imaginatively. Listen to the words and then use your imagination. What do those words look like? Let them float around a bit, then ask questions to make sure you have made the right sense of what is being said to you. Imaginative listening makes listening a lot more fun and creates a whole new level of connection between you and the person who is speaking.

5. Being open is the best form of defense.

If a colleague is attacking you and is openly saying  ‘you did’, ‘you said’, ‘you promised’, separate the attack from your defense. Listen to what your colleague has to say, and then refer only to subject within the conversation. If you don’t know what the subject is (as your colleague may not be clear), then ask them clarify what the subject is project/person/numbers and so on. Understanding and gaining clarity about another persons concerns are, bridges the gap and gives the other person the acknowledgement they are seeking.

You might have to defend yourself and set your boundaries at some point, but in the initial conversation, asking for clarification will give yourself the space you need to think and tap into your internal resources.

6. Be honest about what you want.

Ask for what you want in an open way.  Your request might be completely ignored or not possible, but asking for what you want is straightforward, lets people know what your values are, what you feel is right and there are fewer opportunities for confusion.  Don’t assume that people understand you or that you are good at communication.

7. Step beyond your own gap

If you are aware of your own personal insecurities (not everyone is) then remind yourself that what others say may trigger those fears. It is not the intention of the other person to do this.  Reach out beyond your fears to communicate as clearly as you able, knowing that your fears are your own and are not the subject of the conversation.

8. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Its an oldie but a goody, everyone will understand you if you say what you mean and mean what you say.  Treat the person you are speaking to with respect. Don’t fudge, don’t drag a conversation out and don’t try to please or take responsibility for how someone else reacts.

Keeping these tips in mind you will connect powerfully to another person in conversation and ultimately you experience less stress. Speak honestly, listen creatively and you will MIND THE GAP of communication.

Lucille Henry PhD.

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